| o4o. |
[Thursday
11/1/07@2:10pm] |
i can't take it anymore. i'm moving on. i can't handle you making me feel like shit all the time when i did nothing wrong. i hate feeling like i always have to impress you, or compete for your attention. that's not how it should be. i mean, we're only best friends. and yeah, i like you. but not anymore. i can't do that to myself. i thought you were a really sweet guy. i mean, i've known you for years. but i can't help feeling like you're toying with me even though you claimed you weren't. and i know you probably aren't, but i can't help the way i feel.
i'm moving on. we're still going to be biffs. but i'm not going to like you like that anymore.
and i'm gonna be wicked pissed if you decide to like me after i get over you. it seems to be a reoccurring pattern with us.
|
|
|
| o39. |
[Monday
10/22/07@9:22am] |
ughhhhhhhhhh. i hate feeling like this. i like you, that's not a doubt in my mind. and we both say it wouldn't have happened sober. but, i can't help feeling a little betrayed. if we're going to be nothing more than "just friends", then tell me why you initiated the hand-holding? and i'll never forget last year. and you're a cuddlebug. it's just so frustrating because you're.. idk, probably the sweetest guy ever. and i really can't believe what happened did. i'm just so confused about it even though we've already talked. i would never ever want to lose you as a friend, no matter how i feel about the situation. to be honest, i'm kind of afraid to hang out b/c i don't know what will happen. yes, we'll tell everyone we were drunk. but that doesn't change the fact that it happened. and i asked you if you were okay with this. and to stop whenever you wanted to.
part of me thinks something is there.
the other part, well, i don't like to think about it.
|
|
|
| o38. |
[Friday
8/31/07@1:33am] |
we've all drifted. and i miss you guys a whole lot. but i've also realized that i'm not as dependent on you as i thought i was. two of you, i could live without. as mean and cold as that sounds. the other one, i couldn't live without. and it's not who you think it'd be.
sometimes i miss you guys. but other times, i'm glad we're like this.
|
|
|
| o37. |
[Friday
8/31/07@1:32am] |
|
you two are awesome. like, absolutely awesome. i can't wait to live with you guys. i'm so sorry about all of the confusion. i blame my parents because they don't want to see me leave. everything will be figured out shortly though.
|
|
|
| o36. |
[Friday
8/31/07@1:16am] |
i just spent the last twenty minutes reading through old entries in this journal. more than 50% of them are about you. i hate it. i hate it so much. we're so bad for each other. the only reason why we keep doing this is because it's familiar. it's comforting. we're used to it. i can't keep doing this to myself. yes, i care about you. i care about what happens. it scares me so much. the whole situation scares the shit out of me. i've changed for you. i've noticed it. you might not have. you might consider it an overreaction. you send me through loops, and yet when you want to, i still take you back. i can't keep doing this. everything has progressed, but i'm not so sure that i like it anymore. i mean, i do like it. but not like i should. i thought things would be different. but they've just gotten worse. we've gotten worse. you called it quits last time. i'm going to stick by what you said. you tell me you miss it. hell, it's on my mind 24/7. but i refuse to keep going through this time and time again. we really need to talk about this. and be completely honest with each other.
no more holding back, babe. this time; it's for real.
|
|
|
| o35. |
[Sunday
7/8/07@3:38am] |
|
it's really annoying how you're acting about this. yes, he was drunk. he didn't mean what he said. but you're blowing things way out of proportion. completely cutting him out of your life? isn't that a bit extreme? he's one of your best friends, and you know it. there's no need to go this far because he said he wanted you to leave. he. was. drunk. cut him some slack. do you know how bad he felt after you left and i told him what happened? i had to tell him a couple of times because he couldn't remember me telling him before. i talked to him today, and he said he didn't want you to hate him. he really is sorry. i don't know what else you want from him. i mean, he really does care about your friendship, and i can't believe you're willing to just throw it all away so fast. like, i don't even want to be around you because you're being so cold towards him. he didn't know any better. and yes, i am sticking up for him. stop overreacting about this.
|
|
|
| o34. |
[Saturday
6/2/07@10:44pm] |
i don't know what you want from me anymore. if this is how you want it to be, this is how it's going to stay. i know you'll come back eventually. you always do. we always do. but not if it's going to be like this again. i can't deal with it. for the past few days, it has consumed me. i even had a dream about it last night. you threw me through a loop, and i don't know how to stop. i know that this is the right thing to do, but sometimes the right thing isn't always the best thing. so what does that make you?
i hope you read this. and get the hint.
i don't miss you right now.
but i know i will soon.
|
|
|
| o33. |
[Wednesday
5/23/07@10:38pm] |
|
i just wish you'd realize how amazing you are. how beautiful you are. how i'm here for you every single time something goes wrong. i care way too much about you, and i'm aware of it and what it does to our relationship. i don't know what else to do because i don't know how else to show you that i care. just once, i want you to tell me how much you care too. there's gotta be something..
|
|
|
| o32. |
[Thursday
5/17/07@9:24pm] |
|
i seems like you've been avoiding me lately. are best friends supposed to avoid each other?
|
|
|
| o31. |
[Thursday
5/17/07@9:24pm] |
|
i'm sorry about the way i acted today. we're still bifflz, and i still luh you more than life. i'm really sorry i was a bitch.
|
|
|
| o3o. |
[Thursday
5/17/07@9:21pm] |
|
i'm afraid this time.
|
|
|
| o29. |
[Tuesday
5/15/07@4:34pm] |
|
i feel like i put myself out on a limb for you. for us. i was the one that came back this time. i missed you so much. and then you pulled the whole 'we can't do this' thing. yeah, i'll admit, it hurt. a lot. i'm not blaming you for saying it. i deserved it. i really did. all today, i couldn't stop thinking about it. it seemed to hurt even more. you told me you smiled at me in the hall today. i can't believe i missed it. i couldn't stop smiling after you said you smiled at me. that never happens. we usually don't exist in school. i'm really not trying to be a bitch, and there really is no point to this shpeel, but i missed you. so much. i want things to progress farther. no strings attached like previously agreed. it'd just be nice for everything to go back to the way it is, the way it was, the way it's supposed to be.
|
|
|
| o28. |
[Wednesday
5/9/07@10:04pm] |
i can honestly say that you took my breath away today.
i hate this so much ];
|
|
|
| o27. |
[Tuesday
5/8/07@10:27pm] |
|
you just showered me with compliments tonight, and it made me feel really good about myself. i really appreciate it, and i'm really looking forward to spending the weekend with you =]
|
|
|
| o26. |
[Sunday
5/6/07@2:17pm] |
|
i've been thinking about you a lot lately. i don't know why. maybe it's the lack of communication we've had. or the lack of seeing each other. as each day passes, i think about you more and more. i know you could give two shits about me, but you can't say that i don't matter to you anymore. and if you can, then the past two years have been bullshit. i miss talking to you, argueing with you, all of that. everytime i see you, i just want to stare at you because you're beautiful to me. you never saw that, but i always have. i'm really hoping that we'll get talking again. and that something will happen this summer before i go away to college. that'd be amazing, and you know you'd like it too.
|
|
|
| o25. |
[Saturday
4/28/07@6:41am] |
|
thank you for being there and making the night a lot lighter than it was. ily guys for it.
|
|
|
| o24. |
[Saturday
4/28/07@6:41am] |
i question our friendship.
both of them.
|
|
|
| o23. |
[Monday
4/16/07@3:58pm] |
|
i really don't think you understand me. when i say that i'm done, i'm done. when i say that i can't, i can't. i'm sick of being used whenever it's convenient. no, we don't use each other. you use me. and i let you. but not anymore. i'm no longer your convenience. if you want it, you have to earn it. i'm sorry that you're like this, i really am. but i can't help you if you don't let me. and no, this isn't a form of help. or a stress reliever. if anything, it adds more stress because in two more days, it's all going to be over. it always is. i hate this emotional rollercoaster ride. i don't understand why you can't just make up your mind. it's not that hard. either you want it or you don't. and now you have to convince me that you do.
|
|
|
| o22. |
[Monday
4/9/07@7:47am] |
|
i'm really disappointed in you. i expected you to be there for me b/c we're best friends. i came to you, and you did nothing. i fell asleep with my cellphone in my hand waiting for anything from you. i got nothing. it's harsh, but now i question our friendship.
|
|
|
| o21. |
[Monday
4/9/07@7:45am] |
|
i can't deal with you anymore. i blame you for everything that's wrong with me. i cant stand you. stay away from me. what don't you get about that? i don't care anymore.
|
|
|
| o2o. |
[Friday
3/23/07@10:51pm] |
|
i can't tell you how much you disgust me. just living here with you is torture. just leave us alone. we're fine without you.
|
|
|
| o19. |
[Friday
3/23/07@10:51pm] |
|
i've finally decided that i'm done with you and your shit. and there's no way i'm changing my mind this time.
|
|
|
| o18. |
[Sunday
3/11/07@1:12am] |
i've lost count how many times that this has happened. it seems so natural to just keep going back. i'm getting bored with it, though. i don't know how much more of this i can take. i hate feeling like whatever i say will set you off and we'll fight again. or do whatever it is that we do.
i hate how you feel like you can always come back to me. i mean, yeah, i'll be there. i won't deny it. i tell myself that you're not worth it, but everytime it happens, you become worth it. and i hate you for that. i hate how you have that control.
no matter what happens, i can't deny that i like what you do to me.
i've been waiting.
|
|
|
| o17. |
[Tuesday
2/27/07@11:26pm] |
if you read this, you'll know this one is about you.
so, as you know, it made me cry. well, i have a confession to make of my own. i have one too. more like.. a couple of them. written over the course of a few months. now, it was after your's, but it relays the same message. and here it is:
i don't want you to ever think that i gave up on you. i never even would've dreamed of doing that. it hurt once i felt like i wasn't important to you anymore. and to be honest, there's no way of confirming that theory. but, to be honest, i never left you. i was always there for you. it's just so.. i don't know the word for it. but to know you were that close would've killed me. i know you don't want me to think that it was my fault, but i wouldn't be able to help but feel guilty. i chose to look after you, and i couldn't do that. i didn't do it well enough.
i love you too. after all this time, i never forgot you. after all this time, you were still one of the first people i never would've dreamed of leaving behind. in a way, i needed you more than you needed me.
you're still one of my best friends. you mean more than the world to me. don't ever feel like i abandoned you. i swear on my life, and your's, that i'll always be there. and you can always come to me.
i feel like i could never tell you enough how much you mean to me, and how much i appreciate our friendship. it's one of the most important things i have ever come to cherish. i honestly feel like i cannot tell you enough how much i care about you. you know we share that special bond that few have. you know exactly what i'm talking about. i mean it literally. you are a part of me. nothing will ever change that.
if you hurt, i hurt. if you suffer, i suffer. and don't you even dare think that it's a burden. because it's not. it's a friendship.
|
|
|
| o16. |
[Monday
2/26/07@12:33am] |
|
that'd be great if we could start being friends again. i mean, i'm not gonna lie, i missed you. and i missed talking to you. but i've discovered that i can live without you. so, whatever works. but.. it'd be fun.
|
|
|
| o15. |
[Monday
2/26/07@12:28am] |
|
there's been a lot of changes going on lately for the both of us. i barely talked to you at all over break. but when i did, it's like nothing even happened. honestly, i love our friendship, but something needs to be done. i'm sick of being the one that's always waiting for you to make your move. there needs to be an effort on your part, or else our friendship won't last.
|
|
|
| o14. |
[Monday
2/26/07@12:21am] |
i'm over this shit. i'm over you. you can play whatever fucking games you want, but honestly, you're not a good person. and i have no problem calling you out. you know you're not that great, so why keep trying to pretend like you are? i can say all the shit i want about you, because unlike you, i have no problem saying it to your face. you're always like 'they can say it to my face.' so you know what? i tried. and you fucking ran. so what does that say about you?
oh, right, you're a fucking hypocrite.
have a nice life, bitch. i'm fucking done with you.
|
|
|
| o13. |
[Saturday
2/24/07@6:28pm] |
|
so it's nice to know that you guys were talking shit behind my back. you couldn't just let it go? it wasn't even that big of a fucking deal.
|
|
|
| o12. |
[Tuesday
2/20/07@4:05pm] |
thanks for making me feel like shit. it's not my fault you hate her, so don't take it out on me. i don't care if you hate her, she is still my friend. i have my own opinions about everyone, so let me pick my own friends. stop nagging me about it. i'm sorry that i can't hang out with you all the time.
so, thanks for ruining my day, and making me feel like shit. i really appreciate it.
|
|
|
| o11. |
[Saturday
2/17/07@9:24am] |
i hate you. i fucking hate you. i've never hated anyone this much in my entire life. you're a disgrace to our family. all of my friends hate you. you think you're so fucking funny, and that everything is okay. well, here's an idea: stay sober for one night and then maybe it will be.
you're the biggest fucking prick i know. i'm almost fucking 18; i'm not staying in this house another day. i'd love to stay a little bit longer, but i can't fucking stand living with you anymore. i wonder where those fucking beers went. yeah, you know, the 6pack that you came to my register with. oh, they're gone? big surprise.
way to be fucking passed out last night when broha and i came home. you definitely were specific in saying that we had to be home by 1200 or else we were going to be grounded. so we were home at 1155 just to make sure we weren't late. and you were fucking passed out. PASSED OUT.
what the fuck kind of example are you trying to set for your children? you think you're the best parent and everytime i say otherwise, you flip out and hit me. yeah, great fucking example, asshole. no great parent hits their kids. i don't even fucking love you. i thought children were supposed to love their parents. but i fucking despise you.
you'd think i'd be crying while i write this. i'm actually more concerned with what i'm going to eat for breakfast, and how long before i have to go to work.
fucking kill yourself.
|
|
|
| o1o. |
[Thursday
2/15/07@2:52pm] |
|
we're drifting. i know it. i can fucking feel it. but then, when i talk to you, it's as if nothing ever happened. like we're still best friends. yeah, we are best friends. but seriously, acknowledge it. because i'm sick and tired of being the only one.
|
|
|
| oo9. |
[Thursday
2/15/07@2:51pm] |
|
don't make me choose between you guys anymore. please.
|
|
|
| oo8. |
[Thursday
2/15/07@2:45pm] |
so i have this little project that i'm doing. it benefits both of us. i'm giving it to you when i graduate. unless i somehow get the guts to tell you everything beforehand. you'll recognize a lot of it because i write a lot of it here.
how does it benefit both of us?
well, it benefits me because i'm no longer holding it inside.
and it benefits you because you can realize how much you can fuck with my head.
don't you just love realizations?
i don't.
|
|
|
| oo7. |
[Monday
2/12/07@3:33pm] |
i saw you today.
i got hardcore butterflies.
i hate how you can do this to me and have no idea that you're doing it.
|
|
|
| oo6. |
[Sunday
2/11/07@10:50pm] |
you try so hard to be someone that you're not. i kinda miss the old you.
but i'm so fucking happy that we're not friends anymore. i couldn't deal with you being a fake when i know the kind of person you can be.
|
|
|
| oo5. |
[Sunday
2/11/07@1:50pm] |
|
i wanna know what you're thinking. i wanna know how everything is going. you've opened up to me once, and i liked that feeling of trust between us.
|
|
|
| oo4. |
[Saturday
2/10/07@6:46pm] |
um, you're cute.
and uh, i like you.
=]
|
|
|
| oo3. |
[Saturday
2/10/07@6:42pm] |
|
everyone keeps asking me if i'm okay with what's going on. to be honest, i'm perfectly fine. part of me thinks that i'm in denial, but i know that in the end, i made the right choice.
|
|
|
| oo2. |
[Thursday
2/8/07@8:54pm] |
things have been pretty weird for us lately too. but the thing is, i understand what's going on. and it doesn't bother me as much as i thought it would. as long as you're happy and confident about what you're doing, then good for you. it's just a good feeling knowing what's going on in something like this.
you're still wicked fun to look at though.
|
|
|
| oo1. |
[Thursday
2/8/07@8:46pm] |
i just don't know what to do with you anymore. it's been on and off, on and off. i'm so confused about what you want. i don't know if you've been leading me on, or i've been leading you on. all i know is that right now, i feel like i got fucked over. and that you only come to me when it's convenient. that we can't even be friends anymore. i've tried talking to you, and it seems like you want nothing to do with me.
all i can say is that when you're ready to grow up and be mature so we can atleast be friends, let me know.
|
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|